Voldietrix cereal! A balanced breakfast!
by Ranekaera
Summary: Obviously a humor fic. Obviously Voldietrix. some SLASH, but it's only LMeveryone and who cares about that? WARNING EXTREME RANDOMNESS. Lucius is a stripper, Narcissa is a drama queen, Snape is emo, Wormtial is just stupid. R&R! CHAPTER 4 IS UP!
1. Torture in a teacup

Alrifght, alright, okay. I know full well I have WAY too many unfinished fics out there that need updating, but this just popped into my head out of nowhere and I had to do it. I'm sure all you voldietrix lovers out there will like it, meant to be funny, and slightly ooc.

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

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The Dark Lord Voldemort, also known to some in Dumbledore's Phoenix group as Lord Moldyshorts, aka Lord wartyshorts aka He-Who-Let-The-Boy-Who-Lived-Live, cleared his throat and sat back from his desk in the dim light.

"Wormtail!" he called commandingly.

The smaller man scrambled inside the dingy room as fast as he could, panting, wearing only a pair of knee high stiletto boots and some fishnet stockings. The effect was rather frightening.

"Y-yes, my lord?" he stammered. His hair was more mussed than usual and from another room, they heard Lucius Malfoy's voice.

"Be quick, Peter."

Voldemort made a face and raised his wand because he felt like it.

"Crucio!"

As Wormtail thrashed on the floor, he figured he had time for a cup of tea. He brewed it one He sat, sipping tea from a chipped pink teacup, his littlest finger out, pointing his wand at Wormtail on the floor.

"My--lord--"

Voldemort lifted his wand, his amusement complete, and finished his tea.

"I would like for you, please, to fetch Bellatrix. I have a job for her. Leave that bastard Lestrange out of it," he ordered.

Wormtail ran from the room crying.

Voldemort leaned back in his chair.

"Maybe you were a bit harsh, sir," ssaid Crouch Jr from the other side of the room.

"Maybe not, Crouch," said Volie.

"Crucio!"

Crouch screamed.

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Yes, I know, pointles and stupid, but that's my fave kind! PLEASE REVIEW!!!


	2. Why must you hate me so?

Hey, chappie two, I'd write more, but the IDEAS WON'T STAY IN MY HEAD FOREVER!

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"You want me to _WHAT??"_

Voldemort sat back in his chair, all his minions kneeling before him except Bellatrix. She was staring at him in shock.

"You heard me, Bella. I want you to give me your wand and go and live with the muggles for a week. Consider it as extra credit spy work. We must know the muggles if we want to get refined ways of torturing them," said the Man-Who-Was-Bested-By-A-Teenager.

"But- b-but--" the woman stuttered.

"Accio Bella's wand!"

Her wand soared out of her hands and Voldemort caught it.

"Away with you!" he commanded them all.

"I'd get some new clothes if I were you, Bella," warned Baldywart.

"Why must you hate me so, my lord-?" Bella wailed, and she began crying.

Voldemort laughed.

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	3. NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Hey, sorry I haven't updated any of my HP stuff lately. I just got a new job, working retail and tis the season (although not ho ho ho). I've also recently been locked out of the computer until someone gets home, because my stepdad is a prick, so there's that as well. I've also been working on my pokemon fic, called "life is wonderful", so you may want to check it out, because Im really on a roll with it. So sorry I haven't showed lately, but meh... I've been busy lately. Ciao!


	4. Evil me up, scotty

Hey, sorry I haven't updated in forever, but I was working on a pokemon fic and I was really on a roll, but now that it's finished, here it is!! A brand new chapter for you voldietrix lovers out there!!!!

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Bellatrix borrowed a pair of Lucius's high heeled shoes and one of his muggle dresses and joined the muggle world as Bell Trixie.

It was horrible!!! No flying monkeys anywhere, no magic, not even a decent looking man!

She took up residence in a shabby muggle hotel, where she was known as the "crazy lady" because of the way she screamed at everyone to get them to listen to her. Muggles and filth, how angry she was at her master. But she loved him, so she obeyed.

About a week into it and she was fed up. She Apparated to the Death Eater hideout and pleaded with her master to give her her wand back and let her rejoin the Death Eaters.

Voldemort laughed.

"You must learn to be civil, dear Bella. As of now, you aren't evil enough."

"What?!" Bellatrix started to protest. Of course she was evil, how dare he?? But then it occured to her what her master was trying to say. He wanted to "evil" her up so they could be closer.

"Crucio!"

For Wormtail had just entered the room.

"What? I'm bored," said Voldemort.

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PLEASE REVIEW


	5. Who the Fuck is Rose Tyler?

Finally, a new chapter!! I'm on a roll, updating stuff I haven't updated in fucxing forever, so here ya go!

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Bellatrix ate with the muggles, lived with them, acted like them and even slept with a few of them for another week before apparating again to her master's hideout. It was redecorated oddly, with loud noisy computers and such. It was a remarkable feat that she even knew what computers WERE. She had been with the muggles too long.

Crouch Jr stood in the corner, chatting animatedly to an unfamiliar woman.

"Crouch! Where is the dark lord! I wish to... SPEAK with him," she said seductively.

"Not now, luv, gotta show Rose here how to work the Tardis!"

The woman waved cheerfully, and for the hell of it, because she thought Crouch might have gone mad, she crucio'd the woman. However, she just laughed and had an orgasm.

"I LOVE when the doctor does that, too!" she exclaimed.

"Okay, now Bella, what did you want now?" asked Crouch innocently.

"I WANT the dark lord!" she screamed.

"As do I, dear Bellatrix, but I am only ONE man... therefor I cannot have myself," said a Dark Voice from behind her. It was the Dark Lord in his Dark Clothes in the Dark Room decorated like a Dark Time Machine from Hell.

Bellatrix ran to her man of men and kissed him forcefully and from behind her, the woman called Rose had another orgasm.

"Kiss him some more!" she exclaimed.

"Um... who is that woman and what is she doing here?" Voldemort asked.

"This? Rose Tyler," said Crouch.

"Who the bloody HELL is rose tyler and what are you doing?! What'd you do to my hideout!! It's hardly a secret anymore, is it?" Voldie demanded angrily.

"Shhh!! Please, My lord, this is the only way I can ever get any! You have Bella, she has her muggle lovers, and I look a lot like this "doctor" fellow, so let me have my fun!" Crouch insisted quietly.

"OH, very WELL, Crouch. Go shag this Rose Tyler and be gone with you, scurvy Cur," said the Dark Lord, sounding a lot like Jack Sparrow. If you don't know who that is, then you should go to the movies more often.

Crouch continued to impressively and verbally shag Rose Tyler and Bellatrix made love to her Dark Lord in all his ugliness.

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I just HAD to make a reference to Doctor Who, I couldn't help myself, lol PLEASE REVIEW!! 


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